Every day I get up and I keep trying but it never seems to pay off. At the end of the day Im still alone and scared. I keep going simply because I have to but there is no end in sight. I honestly dont know if Im going to make it through today.

I had really scary thoughts last night and was thinking of ways to kill myself.

& thats not me Ive never been that kind of person

Knowing that my grandparents would find me is what stopped me. But I cant help but think that the most painful death is what I deserve. I wonder what part of Dante's hell I would go to...

I dont want to have children because they might get the mental illness that I think I must have. I just cant understand what is wrong with me. I dont understand why my family doesnt want me anymore. Was I too much of a person or did I not have enough of a back bone?

I realized that this is complete as my life is going to get. I dont have a family...

I have been very ugly. The way that I behave is causing Brennan to fall.

I just wish that there was an end in sight. But there isnt.

At the end of the day Im left with my own company and I should be comfortable with that but Im not. I keep trying to convince myself that living by myself will be a good thing for me. That Im going to grow. But honestly Im so frustrated that he wont move in with me.

Im Frustrated!!!!

I want OUT! Im tired of my life

I keep wondering if Im good enough

I love being around his family and people who can live their life like there normal

But there is something inside me stirring and dying all at once.

I almost can stand to be around other people cause it only makes me think of them. I miss my family. I have images and flash backs to what my life use to be like with them and all I feel is nothing.

There has to be more than this

I know I was made for something greater than just being pulled down by life

All I know is that Im stinkin screwed up